Seinfeld Kramer You Better Think Again

Seasons: i 2 iii iv 5 vi seven 8 nine | Main

Seinfeld was an American sitcom that aired on NBC from 1989 to 1998. It revolved around neurotic comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his three equally neurotic friends. A self-described "evidence about zip", it is more often than not considered i of the about popular, influential sitcoms of all fourth dimension.

The Note [3.one] [edit]

George: A homo gave me...

Jerry: Yes, a man gave you...?

George: A man gave me... a massage.

Jerry: So?

George: So he... had his hands and, uh, he was...

Jerry: He was what?!

George: He was... touching and rubbing.

Jerry: That's a massage.

George: And and then I took my pants off.

Jerry: You took your pants off?

George: For my hamstring.

Jerry: Oh.

George: He got near two inches from... in that location.

Jerry: Really?

George: I remember it moved.

Jerry: Moved?

George: Information technology may take moved, I don't know.

Jerry: I'm sure it didn't motility.

George: Information technology moved! It was imperceptible merely I felt it.

Jerry: Maybe it only wanted to change positions? You know, shift to the other side.

George: No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, this was a move.

Jerry: Okay, so what if it moved?

George: That's the sign! The exam; if a human makes it move.

Jerry: That's non the test. Contact is the test, if information technology moves every bit a effect of contact.

George: Y'all call up information technology's contact? It has to be touched?

Jerry: That's what a gym instructor one time told me.

[George enters, his pants are ripped at the articulatio genus]

Jerry: What happened to you lot?

George: Ane of those kids called me a Mary.

Elaine: A what?

George: I was jumping over a puddle and for some reason I went like this. [George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion] They chosen me a Mary. So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell.

Kramer: Yep, you know kids, they tin exist very perceptive.

The Truth [3.2] [edit]

Elaine: Oh, you're beingness audited? What for?

Jerry: Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. Information technology's very...

Elaine: When was this?

Jerry: Uh, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far abroad.

Elaine: I remember you donated to some volcano affair on our get-go date.

Jerry: Volcano? Really?

Elaine: Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ...

Jerry: Something to drinkable?

Elaine: What did y'all recollect, that would impress me?

Jerry: Yous got it all wrong. I was thinking simply of the poor Krakatoans.

Elaine: Like you make this donation for fifty bucks and I'd start trigger-happy my wearing apparel off?

Jerry: Those brave Krakatoans E of Java, who sacrificed so much for then long.

Elaine: At present yous're being audited because of it. You see that'south Karma.

Jerry: No, that'southward Kramer.

Jerry: What did you lot tell her?

George: I told her that she was pretentious.

Jerry: Pretentious? The adult female has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS — they're like the Mafia. They can have anything they desire.

The Pen [3.three] [edit]

Stella: This better be skilful. I'm missing Golden Girls for this.

Helen Seinfeld: Heh-heh! [Stella walks away] I hate her like poison.

Elaine: Five more days?

Jerry: Well today's almost over. And weekdays always go past fast. Friday we're leaving. It's like two days actually. It's similar a loving cup of java. It will go by similar that.

The Dog [3.4] [edit]

Elaine: [on Kramer's ex-girlfriend] If this woman's personality could be seen, information technology would be like one of those Elephant Man exhibits where they pull back the drape and anybody gasps.

Jerry: On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I e'er come across them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you meet two life forms, one of them'due south making a poop, the other 1's carrying information technology for him, who would you assume was in charge?

The Library [3.5] [edit]

Librarian: Yeah?

Jerry: Yes I called earlier. I got this notice in the mail.

Librarian: Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, Uh, this example has been turned over to our library investigation officer Mr. Bookman.

Kramer: Bookman? The library investigator'south name is really Bookman?

Librarian: Information technology'southward true.

Kramer: That'due south amazing. That'south like an water ice foam homo named "Cone."

Bookman: You took this book out in 1971.

Jerry: Aye, and I returned it in 1971.

Bookman: Yes, '71. That was my first year on the chore. Bad yr for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abbie Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't guess a homo past the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my handbag. Only you put on a pair of shoes when y'all walk into the New York Public Library, fella...

Jerry: Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.

Bookman: You're a comedian, you make people laugh.

Jerry: I attempt.

Bookman: You think this is all a big joke, don't you lot?

Jerry: No, I don't.

Bookman: I saw you on TV once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. Yous recollect because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you lot're above the police force?

Jerry: Certainly not.

Bookman: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little postage, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not hateful anything to you lot, just that ways a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go alee, laugh if you want to. I've seen your blazon before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a large stink about old library books? Well, allow me requite y'all a hint, inferior. Maybe nosotros can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, nosotros're too onetime to change the world, but what near that child, sitting down, opening a volume, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the True cat in the Lid and The Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't he deserve better? Await. If you think this is nigh overdue fines and missing books, y'all'd better think once again. This is nigh that kid's right to read a book without getting his listen warped! Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that'south how y'go your kicks. You and your good-fourth dimension buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-male child: Party time is over. Y'got 7 days, Seinfeld. That is one calendar week!

The Parking Garage [iii.6] [edit]

Jerry: I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to practise is only release information technology. Otherwise, I could die.

Security Guard: Well you're still not allowed.

Jerry: Do yous hear what I'm saying to yous?! I'm telling you that if I don't become, I could dice. Die. Is it worth dying for?

Security Guard: That'due south upwards to you lot.

Jerry: And so you don't care if I die.

Security Guard: What I care most is the sanitary condition of the parking facility.

Jerry: It was life and death.

Security Baby-sit: Uh huh.

Jerry: Oh I'm lying. Why would I do information technology unless I was in mortal danger? I know it'south against the constabulary.

Security Guard: I don't know.

Jerry: Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That'south why!...Do you lot think I relish living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass past the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my lilliputian blood brother ran out of the firm with it this morn. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the identify.

Elaine: [about driving them effectually to find the lost automobile] Why tin can't you practice it?

Human being: I can't.

Elaine: No, see that'southward not a reason you can't. Yous only don't want to.

Man: That's right.

Elaine: But why? Why don't you want to?

Man: I don't know.

Elaine: But wouldn't you lot get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?

Man: No, I wouldn't.

The Cafe [three.7] [edit]

Elaine: Why exercise y'all continue watching?

Jerry: I don't know. I'm obsessed with it. Information technology's like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. And even if yous know it'south not going to get in, you kind of root for it for a second.

Elaine: And so you flush.

Jerry: Well, it'south a spider.

George: 85, Jerry! 85 IQ !

[Jerry laughs.]

Elaine: 85?

Jerry: Well, well, well...

Elaine: He'southward coming upwards?

Jerry: Well, I'm no genius, but according to my calculations he should be here in a few seconds.

Elaine: Aye, but an 85, that's ridiculous.

Jerry: Well, possibly the test was gender biased, you know a lot of questions virtually hunting and testicles...

[George comes in looking angry.]

George: Oh, hello professor.

Elaine: George, I cannot believe...

George: Delight...

Elaine: No at that place has got be a mistake.

George: You lot should've seen her face. It was the exact aforementioned look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

Jerry: But an 85?

Elaine: There were besides many distractions there. Babu...what e'er he'southward proper noun was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate.

Jerry: It was a madhouse.

The Record [3.8] [edit]

George: What do the Chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness?

Jerry: If it was real, they would never let information technology out of the land. No baldness, it'd be like a nation of Supermen.

Elaine: [jokingly] Jerry, I want to slide my natural language around you like a snake... Ooooooooooha, oooooohaaaa...

The Nose Job [3.9] [edit]

George: [referring to a nose job] Not that I care, one mode or the other, but these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if y'all were so inclined. And again, I'm not suggesting.

Audrey: I know, they're good.

George: Peter Jennings had i.

Audrey: Really?

George: Probably. They all practice. In my high school, half my graduating form had them. Of form, I'm from Long Island, so...

Jerry: I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It'south similar my penis is facing my brain is a chess friction match. And I'thousand letting him win.

George: You're not letting him win. He wins till you're xl.

Jerry: So what?

George: He still wins only it'southward not a blowout.

The Stranded [three.x] [edit]

George: I don't like when a woman says, 'Make dear to me', it'southward intimidating. The last fourth dimension a adult female said that to me, I wound upward apologizing to her.

Jerry: Really?

George: That's a lot of pressure. Make love to me. What am I, in the circus? What if I can't deliver?

Jerry: Oh, come on.

George: I can't perform nether pressure. That'south why I never play anything for money, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my office, tin can you imagine? She goes effectually telling anybody what happened? Maybe I should cancel, I accept a very bad feeling nigh this.

Jerry: George, you're thinking likewise much.

George: I know, I know, I tin't finish it!

Elaine: [about Eva's fur] Yous don't care that innocent caught animals are being tortured and then that you can wait good?

George: Could nosotros talk about this some other time?

Ava: Are you a vegetarian?

Jerry: Here nosotros go...

Elaine: Yeah, I swallow fish occasionally.

Ava: So you're a hypocrite.

George: Hey, I've eaten frogs, then nobody'south perfect.

The Alternating Side [3.xi] [edit]

Agent: I'm lamentable, we take no mid-size available at the moment, sir.

Jerry: I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you take my reservation?

Agent: Yes, we exercise, unfortunately we ran out of cars.

Jerry: What? merely the reservation keeps the car here. That'due south why you lot take the reservation.

Agent: I know why we have reservations.

Jerry: I don't think you lot do. If you lot did, I'd accept a car. Meet, you know how to have the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the about important part of the reservation. You see, it'south the holding. Anybody can but take 'em.

Agent: Would you like to purchase the renter'southward insurance?

Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance because I'm going to beat the hell out of this thing.

Sid: Now you didn't tell me you lot didn't know how to drive. You should have mentioned that.

George: Well I know how to drive.

Sid: And then how'd all those cars become damaged? Why are people calling me up screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me.

Jerry: Can I get anybody annihilation?

Sid: Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't have no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's putting your pants on?

George I put my pants on, Sid.

Sid: I don't believe yous. If yous can put your pants on, you lot tin motility those cars.

George: Well I don't desire to become into a large dispute well-nigh the pants.

The Red Dot [3.12] [edit]

Mr. Lippman: It has come to my attention that y'all and the cleaning adult female accept engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?

George: Who said that?

Mr. Lippman: She did.

George: Was that incorrect? Should I not have done that? I'grand sorry, I'm gonna have to plead ignorance on this thing, considering if I had known that sort of affair was frowned upon...

Elaine: George, this is 1 of the nicest things anyone has ever given me!

George: Well, skillful, good. Take it off. Y'all're going to wear information technology out already. Information technology's for special occasions this thing.

Kramer: What's that red dot on your sweater?

The Subway [iii.thirteen] [edit]

Kramer: All right, Coney Island. Okay, you can have the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway-Lafayette, or you lot can become over the bridge to DeKalb and grab the Q to Atlantic Avenue, and then switch to the IRT ii, iii, 4, or five, merely don't get on the G. Encounter, that'due south very tempting, only y'all air current up on Smith and ninth street, then you got to go on the R.

Elaine: Couldn't he just have the D straight to Coney Island?

Kramer: Well, yes...

Jerry: Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.

George: Why not?

Jerry: That'southward what Willy Loman told Biff earlier his interview in Death of a Salesman.

George: What, y'all are comparison me to Biff Loman? Very encouraging: the biggest loser in history of American literature.

The Pez Dispenser [3.14] [edit]

Jerry: Anyone who would express joy at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

Elaine: Well, peradventure some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.

Jerry: Even if this so-called mental defective did put something on her leg, she's all the same the i who laughed.

Noel:I am breaking upwards with you!

George: But you lot can't break up with me! I've got hand!

Noel: And you're gonna need it.

The Suicide [iii.fifteen] [edit]

Elaine: But hither information technology was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck, either, only juicy, tender breasts of duck.

Jerry: Wow, she is really hungry!

Gina: [Gina'due south fellow Martin is in a coma] Kiss me right in front of him.

Jerry: I tin can't. What if he wakes up.

Gina: A man is lying hither unconscious and you're afraid of him. What kind of a man are y'all?

Jerry: I'm a man who respects a adept blackout.

The Gear up-Upwards [three.xvi] [edit]

George: What kind of hair?

Jerry: You know: long, dark hair.

George: Flowing?

Jerry: Flowing?

George: Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me.

Jerry: "Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me." Is that what yous said?

George: Yeah, that'due south right.

Jerry: Only clarifying.

George: Let me ask you this. If you lot stick your mitt in the pilus is it easy to become it out?

Jerry: Practise you want to be able to get it out or practise yous want to non exist able to get it out?

George: I'd like to be able to become it out.

Jerry: I retrieve you'll go it out.

George: What nigh the skin? I need a proficient cheek, I like a skillful cheek.

Jerry: She's got a fine cheek.

George: Is there a pink hue?

Jerry: A pinkish hue?

George: Yeah, a rosy glow.

Jerry: At that place'south a hue. She'southward got great eyebrows; women impale to have her eyebrows.

George: Who cares about eyebrows?

Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too loftier.

Jerry: I went out with y'all.

Elaine: That'south because my standards are as well depression.

The Boyfriend, Office 1 [three.17] [edit]

Jerry: Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your business relationship. Permit me to reconstruct this, if I may, for Miss Benes, every bit I've heard this story a number of times. Newman, Kramer, if y'all'll indulge me. According to your story, Keith passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit and so proceeds to ricochet off the temple, striking Newman between the third and fourth rib. The spit then came off the rib, turned and hit Newman in the right wrist, causing him to drop his baseball game cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses in mid-air, listen you, makes a left turn, and lands on Newman's left thigh. Now that is one magic loogie!

...

Jerry: I'm saying that the spit could not have come from backside, that in that location had to have been a second spitter, behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claim, that would've acquired your caput to pitch forward.

Elaine: So the spit could've just come from the front and to the right.

Jerry: But that'south not what they would take you believe.

Newman: I'm leavin.' Jerry'south a nut!

Kramer: [to Newman] Wait, wait, await.

Jerry: The sad affair is that we may never know the existent truth.

Kramer: [Answers Jerry's phone] Yello? What-delay Industries?

George: [in the bathroom] VANDELAY! SAY VANDELAY!

Kramer: [Elaine tries to interrupt Kramer, but he keeps ignoring her] No, you're way, way off! Well, yeah, that'southward the correct number, but this is an Apartment!

[George bursts out of the bathroom, his pants downwardly around his ankles]

George: VANDELAY! SAY- [Falls downwardly next to Kramer] SAY VANDELAY INDUSTRIES!

Kramer: Yeah, no trouble. No problem. [Hangs up and looks at George, who is lying despondently on the floor] How did you lot know who they wanted?

[Jerry walks in the front door and sees George laying on the floor, his pants down]

Jerry: And you want to be my latex salesman...

The Boyfriend, Part 2 [three.xviii] [edit]

George: Magellan? You like Magellan?

Jerry: Oh yep, my favorite explorer. Effectually the earth? Come on. Why, who do yous similar?

George: De Soto.

Jerry: De Soto, why De Soto?

George: He discovered the Mississippi.

Jerry: Oh, like they wouldn't have found that anyhow!

Elaine: [Kissing Keith, thinking] Who does this guy think he is?

Keith Hernandez: [Thinking] I'm Keith Hernandez.

The Limo [iii.xix] [edit]

George: Did yous see the way she was looking at me?

Jerry: She's a Nazi, George, a Nazi!

George: Kind of a beautiful Nazi, though.

Eva: What was that you lot said about the myth of the Holocaust?

George: Oh, I said so many things. I- [a loud blast is heard] They're shooting! They're shooting!

The Good Samaritan [3.20] [edit]

George: I said 'God anoint yous'. Was that so wrong?

Jerry: The question is, did you lot allow a space for the husband to come in with his 'God anoint you'? Because as the husband, he has the right to first refusal.

[The intercom buzzes, Jerry walks over and presses the button]

Elaine: Information technology's me.

Jerry: Come up on up.

George: Yes, aye, I definitely waited. Merely let me say this: Once he passes on that pick, that 'God bless you' is upward for grabs.

Jerry: No argument. Unless, she'southward one of these multiple sneezers, and he's holding his 'God bless y'all' in abeyance, until she completes the series.

George: Well I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, considering she sneezed over again later, and it was also a single.

Jerry: What if she'due south having an off night?

George: I'1000 speechless! I accept no speech! [Jerry sneezes] Ah shut up

The Letter [iii.21] [edit]

Fine art patron: [describing his view of "The Kramer" portrait] He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Nevertheless I tin't expect away.

George: I don't get fine art.

Jerry: At that place'southward nothing to get.

George: No, information technology e'er has to be explained to me, so I accept to have someone explain the caption.

The Parking Infinite [3.22] [edit]

George: All bald people wait good in hats.

Elaine: You should accept lived in the twenties and thirties. Y'all know, men wore hats all the time and then.

George: What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.

Jerry: Similar you lot didn't telephone call me a phony?

Mike: What? [to Kramer] Thanks! REAL GOOD! [back to Jerry] Jerry! Kickoff of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a costless way. I mean, you lot know when people say, "He'due south bad," it really means he'southward good, sort of thing? Y'all know, slang.

Jerry: Apply it in a sentence.

Mike: Man, that Michael Jordan is then phony. [to Kramer] WHY'D You TELL HIM!?

Kramer: He begged me!

Mike: HE BEGGED Y'all!?

The Keys [3.23] [edit]

Kramer: Practice you lot ever yearn?

George: Yearn? Practise I yearn?

Kramer: I yearn.

George: Yous yearn?

Kramer: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Frequently I sit... and yearn. Have you yearned?

George: Well, not recently. I've craved. Abiding craving. But I haven't yearned.

George: Yous're not really going to California, are you?

Kramer [pointing to his head]: Up here, I'm already gone!

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